Monday, October 02, 2006

Edited Socialite Article

How to Become a Spoiled Socialite
Five social codes to join this established elite.

Elegantly Wasted : Attending social gatherings as a lady of society is a crucial part of your quest for Spoiled Socialite status. And during said gatherings, holding your liquor with poise and grace is essential, as a socialite's number one responsibility is to protect their reputation. Socialites everywhere would be destroyed if a member of the elite were accidentally to expose themselves in a drunken stupor, or be arrested on D.U.I charges. Behaviour such as this is a rarity in these social circles.

Canine Couture: As if the life of a socialite wasn't busy enough, they've somehow mastered the art of speaking pooch! And you must too if you want to become an elite member. Dogs have finally found their voice, and have demanded upper-class treatment in the form of jewelled collars and couture outfits. Also, to avoid any doggy tantrums or a smudged doggy mani/pedi, they've insisted on being carried around in designer purses. Socialites everywhere should be applauded for their triumphs on such an important discovery.

Artful Articulations: As a socialite, you must become accustomed to the idea of all eyes being on you in everyday life, at social gatherings, and most of all during a public speech. This being said, it's extremely important to develop a signature linguistic style that reflects your intelligence and oozes personal charisma. Popular examples are "that's hot" or "loves it!"

Graceful Grudge: With so many unique personalities in the world, you're bound to clash with a few of them, and that's ok - you can even make it work in your favour. The trick is to handle yourself in a manner of which your peers will approve. Most socialites remain hush-hush about their personal feuds; however, if Barbara Walters requests an interview with you and drills you about your latest enemy, by all means, dish. It's Barbara Walters. She has your best interests at heart, right?

Man Eater: As an elite socialite, it's essential that you become a heartbreaker. Attracting the man of the hourisn't always easy, so you must do whatever is necessary to lure him in. Nothing says classysocialite like a table or lap dance in the latest hot spot, or stealing your gent of choice away from another woman. But the second that he's wrapped around your pinky finger (and by this I mean he has tattooed your name on a visible region of his body) you must inform him that it's just not working out. This will instantly catapult you to heartbreaker status. And just a word of advice: any guy that's worth your time will never have the same first name as you. Do you really want to live your life married to a guy named Rebecca? Didn't think so.

*Note: "Man Eater" is a figure of speech. Don't actually eat the men in your life - they're way too high in calories and trans fat.

Written by: Kat Voye

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

After reading this piece, I realize I was well on my way to becoming a "Spoiled Socialite"...I'm so glad that now I've been enlightened I can revert back to my eclectic fashion student ways.

Anonymous said...

This article seems to be writtin with someone in mind. Although being well written, the whole article is based on how to be Paris Hilton and personally I'd prefer our readers to veer away from her being a role model. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

I LOVED this article! The use of satire and dry humour is PERFECT! Satire is a form of comedy that can be difficult to master and I was really impressed with how it was used in this article. It's a sophisticated sense of humour and for those who do not understand or "get" satire, this piece could be read as though the author were serious. Clearly, this is not the case and the article is that much more hilarious!
Kudos to you! This was fab!